In 1978, Jilted John was a surprise, one-off hit for its teenage writer and performer, drama student Graham Fellows, AKA Jilted John. Originally released on punk label Rabid Records, it was later picked up by EMI and became a Top 10 single, landing Jilted John a few memorable appearances on national television.
Of all the many millions of love songs that have ever been recorded, few if any, come as close to encapsulating the adolescent love experience like this novelty punk masterpiece. Here’s the song, followed by some of those majestically accurate lyrics, just in case you’re not familiar with them.
I’ve been going out with a girl
Her name is Julie
But last night she said to me
As we were watching telly
She said “Listen John I love you
But there’s this bloke I fancy
I don’t want to two-time you
So it’s the end for you and me.”
“Who’s this bloke?” I asked her
“Gordon” she replied
“Not that poof?” I said, dismayed
“Yes, but he’s no poof” she cried
“He’s more of a man that you’ll ever be”
That’s the devastating first half. Poor, oblivious John has his romantic world come crashing down on him in the space of a few, harsh words.
Later, a tearful John, craving the comfort of hot, greasy food, encounters his now ex-girlfriend, Julie and her new beau, Gordon, outside the chip shop. Cruelly, they stand and laugh at him.
In other songs, the wronged party would be driven to drastic measures in circumstances such as this – launching a muscle car or motorcycle off a cliff perhaps, or taking bloody revenge with extreme violence. Not Jilted John. He may be emotionally crushed but heroically, he retains a sense of proportion. No vicious or dramatic reprisals from him. He just sulks at the injustice in a whiny, high-pitched voice:
Oh, she is cruel and heartless
To pack me for Gordon
Just ‘cause he’s better looking than me
Just ‘cause he’s cool and trendy
But I know he’s a moron
Gordon is a moron
Gordon is a moron
Gordon is a moron
Gordon is a moron
That’s how young love should be. Intense. Fragile. Fleeting. Inherently hilarious.
By the time you flip the disc over, Jilted John has moved on. The B-side is called Going Steady and he’s in love again, this time with Sharon. As he explains in verse three:
I used to think that girls didn’t like me
But Sharon’s a girl, and she loves me
She says I’m dead sexy and butch
And much better looking than Starsky and Hutch
So Jilted John gets a happy ending and you’ve got to be happy for him. Unless you’re British and your name’s Gordon, in which case you’ll have endured having ‘Gordon is a moron’ sung at you on a regular basis for close to three decades thanks to this song.
